What Has Gone Down Already
This is where you can get caught up on eight chapters worth of unfortunate shit Bob has had to deal with.
Chapter One
“Help!” a girl, clearly in distress, screamed from the courtyard in the middle of my apartment complex.
I tuned her out and kept walking back to my apartment. Don’t judge me. I had been drinking; it would have been irresponsible of me to have used my power drunk. That and I didn’t feel like it, but it was mostly the drinking thing.
I reached the top of the stairs to my third floor apartment, and I got a real good look over the courtyard and the scuffle going on in it, and realized that the “help” girl was really hot. I mean like really hot, so I sighed and started moving back down the stairs. I’m a lazy asshole, not dead.
I stumbled out into the courtyard, raised my arm, took rough aim at the nearest of the three douches attacking the really hot chick and yelled “Forca.” An invisible rod of force shot from my outstretched arm and pounded into douche number one, but my aim must have been a little off, because instead of hurling the attacker thirty feet through the air, like I had been trying to do, it glanced off his shoulder and spun him in place. He spun all the way around twice before he tumbled to the ground.
I suppose now is as good a time as any to tell you that I am a wizard. No, not like Harry Potter, I’m a real wizard. I manipulate the forces of nature. I do not use a wand; I use a staff. Only fake wizards and bitches use wands. Suck it, Potter. Anyway, I’ll make this simple for you - Magic is not really magic, it`s just the manipulation of physics. I can’t create fire, but I can pull the heat from the air around me and focus it in a small area so that it is hot enough to spontaneously combust the hydrogen in the air. Or I can pull a trick like the one I just did against our friend attacking the hot girl; I can manipulate all the atoms in the air in front of me to rush in the same direction, essentially creating a wall of force.
It is important to note, however that while this kind of stuff is really impressive looking it is insanely tiring. So as I turned to face douches numbered two through three a wave of exhaustion hit me. It isn’t anything dramatic, it’s like how tired you feel after working on your yard all day, not that I have a yard, but you get the point. The thing is that all this tiredness hits you all at once, and when you’ve already had a long night of drinking, the extra exhaustion makes you want nothing more than to lie down where you are and go to sleep. I still had tweedle dum and tweedle dummer to deal with though, so nap time would have to wait.
The two remaining tweedles had seen what had happened to their brother Dee though and had apparently decided to use what little intelligence they possessed, because they took one look at me and ran away.
“Well that was easy,” is what I tried to say to Really Hot Frightened Chick, but it probably came out more like, “welldawaseeeesy.” Damn beer.
I took a moment to collect my alcohol-addled thoughts and then said, “Are you alright?”
She looked at me like I had three heads, and ran away.
“This is why I don’t save people,” I said to myself as I stumbled back up to my apartment. “They never say thank you. I risk my life for these people and I never get a thank you. They just look at me like I’m a monster.” I sighed as I unlocked the door to my place.
To their credit though, they’re probably right.
I tuned her out and kept walking back to my apartment. Don’t judge me. I had been drinking; it would have been irresponsible of me to have used my power drunk. That and I didn’t feel like it, but it was mostly the drinking thing.
I reached the top of the stairs to my third floor apartment, and I got a real good look over the courtyard and the scuffle going on in it, and realized that the “help” girl was really hot. I mean like really hot, so I sighed and started moving back down the stairs. I’m a lazy asshole, not dead.
I stumbled out into the courtyard, raised my arm, took rough aim at the nearest of the three douches attacking the really hot chick and yelled “Forca.” An invisible rod of force shot from my outstretched arm and pounded into douche number one, but my aim must have been a little off, because instead of hurling the attacker thirty feet through the air, like I had been trying to do, it glanced off his shoulder and spun him in place. He spun all the way around twice before he tumbled to the ground.
I suppose now is as good a time as any to tell you that I am a wizard. No, not like Harry Potter, I’m a real wizard. I manipulate the forces of nature. I do not use a wand; I use a staff. Only fake wizards and bitches use wands. Suck it, Potter. Anyway, I’ll make this simple for you - Magic is not really magic, it`s just the manipulation of physics. I can’t create fire, but I can pull the heat from the air around me and focus it in a small area so that it is hot enough to spontaneously combust the hydrogen in the air. Or I can pull a trick like the one I just did against our friend attacking the hot girl; I can manipulate all the atoms in the air in front of me to rush in the same direction, essentially creating a wall of force.
It is important to note, however that while this kind of stuff is really impressive looking it is insanely tiring. So as I turned to face douches numbered two through three a wave of exhaustion hit me. It isn’t anything dramatic, it’s like how tired you feel after working on your yard all day, not that I have a yard, but you get the point. The thing is that all this tiredness hits you all at once, and when you’ve already had a long night of drinking, the extra exhaustion makes you want nothing more than to lie down where you are and go to sleep. I still had tweedle dum and tweedle dummer to deal with though, so nap time would have to wait.
The two remaining tweedles had seen what had happened to their brother Dee though and had apparently decided to use what little intelligence they possessed, because they took one look at me and ran away.
“Well that was easy,” is what I tried to say to Really Hot Frightened Chick, but it probably came out more like, “welldawaseeeesy.” Damn beer.
I took a moment to collect my alcohol-addled thoughts and then said, “Are you alright?”
She looked at me like I had three heads, and ran away.
“This is why I don’t save people,” I said to myself as I stumbled back up to my apartment. “They never say thank you. I risk my life for these people and I never get a thank you. They just look at me like I’m a monster.” I sighed as I unlocked the door to my place.
To their credit though, they’re probably right.
Chapter Two
I woke up the next morning feeling like someone was playing hopscotch on my brain. I shambled to the bathroom and splashed some water on my face then continued shambling until I was in the living room.
My living room is small but comfortable, just big enough for a couch and a giant TV. There is a small kitchen at one end, and large window with beautiful vistas of I-540 at the other. I stumbled out of my bedroom and my roommate glanced up from playing Xbox.
“Jesus, Bob, you look like death just shat on you,” he said.
“Oh, I love you too, Kenyan,” I mumbled.
He snorted. “We’re out of aspirin. I used the last of it Monday.”
I gave him the best death stare I could manage, but it probably just looked like I was wincing. He smiled. Jerk.
“What are you doing today?” I asked after I checked the medicine cabinet to see if he was lying. He wasn’t.
“Oh the usual, skipping class, playing videogames.” My roommate, Mike Kenyan is a 25 year old undergrad at North Carolina State University. He’s already been there seven years and is planning on an eighth before he graduates with a degree in exercise sciences. He’s like Van Wilder but without the ambition. His parents pay for everything, not that I can fault him for that, I’m still living off the inheritance I got when my dad died. He’s a good looking guy, average height, with that constantly disheveled look that every college student has, and he’s my best friend. “What are you up to?” he asked as I plopped down next to him on the couch and picked up an Xbox controller.
“Oh you know the usual, nothing. I might make some potions later.”
He laughed. Kenyan doesn’t believe that I’m a wizard. That should seem ridiculous to you, because it is ridiculous. I’ve lived with the guy for six years. I have done magic in front of him a million times and he always thinks it’s just a neat illusion, like I’m some David Blaine jackass doing parlor tricks.
“When are you gonna give up on that joke, dude? It’s over. It didn’t work. I. Do. Not. Believe. You.”
“Okay man, whatever.” I gave up trying to convince him a long time ago. I figure it will take some sort of badass unexplainable monster to show up right in front of him before he finally realizes that I’m not kidding. Like a vampire, or a ghoul, or a faery. Yeah those are all real, and they’re all scary as hell. Trust me, despite my young age I have dealt with more than my fair share of super scary evil things.
For a wizard I am practically an infant. We wizards can live a hell of a lot longer than your average vanilla mortal, and at twenty five I still had another thirty years or so before I reach active maturity with my powers. But I am still pretty powerful, and I have seen my fair share of crazy ass scary shit. Most of that was due to my father. My father was also a wizard, but not the “lets help humanity” kind of wizard; he was the “lets enslave humanity and rule the world” kind. He died when I was ten after a power collecting ritual he was trying failed and backfired. Which is just as well, if he had succeeded the ritual would have given him power on a magnitude greater that what he already had, and as I pointed out, he was not the type to use his newfound power to find a cure for cancer or reduce global warming.
My father dealt with some extremely unsavory beings. His favorite scary ass business partners were some of the beings of the Neverland. The Neverland is a plane of existence parallel to our own, and it houses all of the spiritual beings that we are familiar with. The faery courts, Mount Olympus, the astral plains, even heaven and hell are in the Neverland somewhere, but some places are harder to find than others.
I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking, “Hey, isn’t Neverland where Peter Pan is from?” Well yes, yes it is, but Guy-who-Johnny-Depp-played-in-that-movie got things a little wrong. The Pans are Faery lords who lead the wee folk, like Tinkerbell. There is a Pan named Peter, but instead of a super nice kid who never wants to grow up he is a super not-cool faery who kidnaps kids and turns them into hobgoblins. No bueno.
So if my roommate doesn’t want to believe that there is scary stuff out there then who am I to take that away from him? I mean, it would only scare him. It sure as hell scares me, and I have the means to protect myself. Well from some of it.
So Kenyan sat there in ignorance killing zombies on Xbox with me all day. We don’t lead the most exciting lives.
After a solid seven hours of surviving the zombie apocalypse Kenyan and I did what any twenty five year old unemployed persons living off their parents would do. We went to the bar.
Our favorite happy hour haunt is a neighborhood bar called The Taproom. The Taproom is one of those mystical places that are always full but never busy. It's decorated in what I suspect is the most random posters, pictures and artifacts the owner could find. This means that while sitting at a table you might have Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid over one shoulder and Jay-z over the other. The building is located in the parking lot of a worn down but still busy strip mall. One side of the building is a restaurant while a bar occupies the other. Decks wrap the entire building for outdoor seating which was packed on a warm spring night like this.
The bar itself, which if we’re honest, is where we spend most (all) of our time, occupies the entire right half of the building. The bar takes up one side of the room while the opposite side is full of tables. Our usual table is the one in the back closest to the bar; it makes it easier on the waitresses if we are near the source of alcohol.
Ignore what I told you a second ago about the bar never being busy, because on this particular night the place was completely packed.
“Well shit, Sam, what the hell is going on?” Kenyan asked the hostess as we navigated toward our table. Sam is Kenyan’s girlfriend. She’s a drug dealer too, but that’s another story. She’s short, just barely above five foot, but she’s small like a Tasmanian devil is small; incur her wrath at your own severe peril. She has long dark hair that she keeps in a big frizzy wad at the back of her head while she’s at work. I have never seen her wear anything but a sundress, giving her kind of a chill hippie look that contrasts with her forceful personality.
Sam gave us an even look over her shoulder and said, “You guys have been locked up in your apartment again haven’t you?”
“No!” I said at the same time that Kenyan said “yeah.” He has this thing about not lying to his girlfriend. I don’t get it. Maybe that’s why I’m single.
Sam let out a snort, and then sobered abruptly. “A girl got killed last night.”
We sobered pretty quickly too. “Here?”
“Nah, she lives in Durham and was killed there, but she was from the neighborhood. She was older than you guys, but not by much. You might know her - name was Elaine Mclintock.”
I froze. Yeah I knew that name, but Sam had it wrong, Elaine wasn’t a little bit older than us, she was two hundred years older than us, she just looked young.
Sam noted my reaction and mistook it for sadness. It was actually fear. “You knew her?”
“You could say that,” I replied trying to hide the terror in my voice.
Elaine Mclintock was a vampire. In fact, she was the oldest and most powerful vampire in the state, which is saying something; there are a ton of vampires in the North Carolina Mountains. It would take some serious work to kill a vampire as old and experienced as that crazy bitch was, and seeing as how I was the most powerful wizard in the area I would be suspect numero uno.
We got to our table, and I started drinking hard. If I was going to be hauled in for a murder I didn’t commit, I was sure as hell not going to go sober.
My living room is small but comfortable, just big enough for a couch and a giant TV. There is a small kitchen at one end, and large window with beautiful vistas of I-540 at the other. I stumbled out of my bedroom and my roommate glanced up from playing Xbox.
“Jesus, Bob, you look like death just shat on you,” he said.
“Oh, I love you too, Kenyan,” I mumbled.
He snorted. “We’re out of aspirin. I used the last of it Monday.”
I gave him the best death stare I could manage, but it probably just looked like I was wincing. He smiled. Jerk.
“What are you doing today?” I asked after I checked the medicine cabinet to see if he was lying. He wasn’t.
“Oh the usual, skipping class, playing videogames.” My roommate, Mike Kenyan is a 25 year old undergrad at North Carolina State University. He’s already been there seven years and is planning on an eighth before he graduates with a degree in exercise sciences. He’s like Van Wilder but without the ambition. His parents pay for everything, not that I can fault him for that, I’m still living off the inheritance I got when my dad died. He’s a good looking guy, average height, with that constantly disheveled look that every college student has, and he’s my best friend. “What are you up to?” he asked as I plopped down next to him on the couch and picked up an Xbox controller.
“Oh you know the usual, nothing. I might make some potions later.”
He laughed. Kenyan doesn’t believe that I’m a wizard. That should seem ridiculous to you, because it is ridiculous. I’ve lived with the guy for six years. I have done magic in front of him a million times and he always thinks it’s just a neat illusion, like I’m some David Blaine jackass doing parlor tricks.
“When are you gonna give up on that joke, dude? It’s over. It didn’t work. I. Do. Not. Believe. You.”
“Okay man, whatever.” I gave up trying to convince him a long time ago. I figure it will take some sort of badass unexplainable monster to show up right in front of him before he finally realizes that I’m not kidding. Like a vampire, or a ghoul, or a faery. Yeah those are all real, and they’re all scary as hell. Trust me, despite my young age I have dealt with more than my fair share of super scary evil things.
For a wizard I am practically an infant. We wizards can live a hell of a lot longer than your average vanilla mortal, and at twenty five I still had another thirty years or so before I reach active maturity with my powers. But I am still pretty powerful, and I have seen my fair share of crazy ass scary shit. Most of that was due to my father. My father was also a wizard, but not the “lets help humanity” kind of wizard; he was the “lets enslave humanity and rule the world” kind. He died when I was ten after a power collecting ritual he was trying failed and backfired. Which is just as well, if he had succeeded the ritual would have given him power on a magnitude greater that what he already had, and as I pointed out, he was not the type to use his newfound power to find a cure for cancer or reduce global warming.
My father dealt with some extremely unsavory beings. His favorite scary ass business partners were some of the beings of the Neverland. The Neverland is a plane of existence parallel to our own, and it houses all of the spiritual beings that we are familiar with. The faery courts, Mount Olympus, the astral plains, even heaven and hell are in the Neverland somewhere, but some places are harder to find than others.
I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking, “Hey, isn’t Neverland where Peter Pan is from?” Well yes, yes it is, but Guy-who-Johnny-Depp-played-in-that-movie got things a little wrong. The Pans are Faery lords who lead the wee folk, like Tinkerbell. There is a Pan named Peter, but instead of a super nice kid who never wants to grow up he is a super not-cool faery who kidnaps kids and turns them into hobgoblins. No bueno.
So if my roommate doesn’t want to believe that there is scary stuff out there then who am I to take that away from him? I mean, it would only scare him. It sure as hell scares me, and I have the means to protect myself. Well from some of it.
So Kenyan sat there in ignorance killing zombies on Xbox with me all day. We don’t lead the most exciting lives.
After a solid seven hours of surviving the zombie apocalypse Kenyan and I did what any twenty five year old unemployed persons living off their parents would do. We went to the bar.
Our favorite happy hour haunt is a neighborhood bar called The Taproom. The Taproom is one of those mystical places that are always full but never busy. It's decorated in what I suspect is the most random posters, pictures and artifacts the owner could find. This means that while sitting at a table you might have Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid over one shoulder and Jay-z over the other. The building is located in the parking lot of a worn down but still busy strip mall. One side of the building is a restaurant while a bar occupies the other. Decks wrap the entire building for outdoor seating which was packed on a warm spring night like this.
The bar itself, which if we’re honest, is where we spend most (all) of our time, occupies the entire right half of the building. The bar takes up one side of the room while the opposite side is full of tables. Our usual table is the one in the back closest to the bar; it makes it easier on the waitresses if we are near the source of alcohol.
Ignore what I told you a second ago about the bar never being busy, because on this particular night the place was completely packed.
“Well shit, Sam, what the hell is going on?” Kenyan asked the hostess as we navigated toward our table. Sam is Kenyan’s girlfriend. She’s a drug dealer too, but that’s another story. She’s short, just barely above five foot, but she’s small like a Tasmanian devil is small; incur her wrath at your own severe peril. She has long dark hair that she keeps in a big frizzy wad at the back of her head while she’s at work. I have never seen her wear anything but a sundress, giving her kind of a chill hippie look that contrasts with her forceful personality.
Sam gave us an even look over her shoulder and said, “You guys have been locked up in your apartment again haven’t you?”
“No!” I said at the same time that Kenyan said “yeah.” He has this thing about not lying to his girlfriend. I don’t get it. Maybe that’s why I’m single.
Sam let out a snort, and then sobered abruptly. “A girl got killed last night.”
We sobered pretty quickly too. “Here?”
“Nah, she lives in Durham and was killed there, but she was from the neighborhood. She was older than you guys, but not by much. You might know her - name was Elaine Mclintock.”
I froze. Yeah I knew that name, but Sam had it wrong, Elaine wasn’t a little bit older than us, she was two hundred years older than us, she just looked young.
Sam noted my reaction and mistook it for sadness. It was actually fear. “You knew her?”
“You could say that,” I replied trying to hide the terror in my voice.
Elaine Mclintock was a vampire. In fact, she was the oldest and most powerful vampire in the state, which is saying something; there are a ton of vampires in the North Carolina Mountains. It would take some serious work to kill a vampire as old and experienced as that crazy bitch was, and seeing as how I was the most powerful wizard in the area I would be suspect numero uno.
We got to our table, and I started drinking hard. If I was going to be hauled in for a murder I didn’t commit, I was sure as hell not going to go sober.
Chapter 3
After a few hours of drinking Boots came walking in. Boots is not hot so much as she is beautiful. Sort of like a black Uma Thurman. Taken one bit at a time, she isn't much, but something in the way she carries herself makes her irresistible. She is tall for a woman, just under six feet, and made of lean muscle. She works as a lawyer for some big firm in the area. I have no idea what her real name is, no one does. Even the people she works with call her Boots. She is an amateur monster hunter as well, and has saved my ass quite a few times from the various scary things that have tried to rip my head off over the years since I got my power. I have asked her out countless times, and she has turned me down every time. Whatever. I am nothing else if not persistent. Well, in a lazy sort of way.
She sat down in the chair next to me and whispered, "Did you hear?"
I tried my hardest not to be distracted by her boobs, I really did, but I think I failed. "What? Oh, About Elaine? Yeah, Sam told us when we got here."
She rolled her eyes at me. I wasn't exactly shy about staring at her boobs. "Hey. Come on. Focus," she said, snapping her fingers in an attempt to draw my attention away from her chest. "No, I was talking about the White Councilors coming into town. What happened to Elaine?"
I finally tore my eyes away from her cleavage and looked her square in the eye. "She's dead."
She took it in stride, "Well then that explains why the Council is coming. Who could have done-" She stopped mid-sentence and gave me an speculative glance.
"It wasn't me!" I said, a bit too loud for the somber mood in the bar. A few heads turned in our direction. I glowered at them until they all returned to their beers.
"Alright, alright, I believe you, keep it down. It would take something seriously powerful to kill Elaine though, so if it wasn't you we have another problem on our hands."
"Damnit, I hadn't even thought of that yet." I sighed. This shit just kept getting worse. Even though I didn't do the deed, Elaine's killer would have to be someone really powerful, and if the White Council is coming to investigate that could lead to a serious confrontation in my town.
The White Council is the governing body of wizards. They are led by The Merlin, the oldest and most powerful wizard alive, and consist of only the most powerful wizards in the world. They have tried to recruit me a bunch of different times, but I don't do well with conforming to a group. Shocking, huh? So I turned them down. The Council's biggest enemies are the various vampire courts around the world. The two sides are in the middle of a barely stable period of peace, and the murder of Elaine might be enough to send the two sides into full out war. Unless of course the culprit can be found, confronted and punished. The only problem with that is that the culprit right now would be me.
Boots ordered a drink and said, still whispering, "They will be here tomorrow morning, and they will definitely want to talk to you."
"Maybe they won't. Maybe they've completely forgotten that I exist."
"Not likely. From what I've heard, one of the Councilors coming is Janus."
I choked on my beer. "Janus? You're sure?"
"No, but it seems legit. I heard it from Mo."
Mo is my, well i guess "pet" would be the correct word here, but it doesn't seem right. He is a talking albatross who for some reason has taken a shining to me. He is the child of a real albatross and a faery lord. He's bigger than a real albatross would be, which means he is freaking huge, big enough to give me a ride if i need it. Since his faery father is fairly high up in the faery food chain (best alliteration ever), he has excellent information resources available to him, not to mention being pretty powerful as well. All in all, he is a really good friend to have around when shit is going down.
So if Mo says that Janus is coming, it is most likely true. Janus is my older brother. We do not get along at all. He has never really forgiven me for a few things, one of them is that I never joined the White Council. He's not only a member of the council, but also a warden. The wardens are the military/police group of the White Council. They enforce the laws that The Council adheres to. The Council only has seven laws that they abide by, but they will kill any wizard who doesn't follow them, whether or not they are members. The laws are basic. Rule 1 is no using magic to kill humans, wizards or not, unless in self defense or a sanctioned duel. The others are along the same lines - no raising the dead, no using mind control, that sort of thing.
"Well damnit," I said, too loud again. More heads turned and someone even gave me a "Shhhhh."
I jumped out of my chair and yelled, "Fuck you, dude!"
I'm a people person.
The next morning, I woke up to someone pounding on the door to my apartment. I cannot for the life of me remember how I got home, but that's beside the point. I wiped the sleep out of my eyes, shuffled to the door and peered out the peep hole (funniest name for anything ever). On the landing outside my apartment stood two older men in long grey robes. One of them was my brother.
Now at this point I made a major mistake. I opened the door. I should have just let them stand outside, pretended I wasn't home then all of the events of the next few days would have gone on with out me, and I would have been all the happier for it. But no, I opened the damn door because I am an idiot, and I apparently enjoy making myself suffer.
My brother stepped in along with another wizard who I didn't know. My brother Janus is shorter than me, but not by much, which puts him at just over six feet tall, and he is much more muscly than me. He looks like he works out a lot - I just look like I can't afford to feed myself enough. I have long, untidy black hair and while I wouldn't win any beauty contests, I'm not entirely unattractive. I hope. He has greying hair, and keeps a short but thick beard. His features are more harsh and angular than mine, his nose sticks out further and his chin is bigger but we have the same dark brown eyes. His speaking voice is much higher than you would expect and he has a slight lisp, making him appear very effeminate, something that I make fun of him for mercilessly.
"Good morning little brother, hope we didn't wake you," he said, with a malicious smile.
"It's six thirty, Janus. You couldn't wait till a more humane time before you came over?"
"Of course not. Things to do." He gave me a pointed look. "Murders to investigate."
"I didn't do it," I said tiredly.
"Well we will see, won't we?"
"Yeah, we will, cause I DIDN'T DO IT!" I was getting pretty pissed. I'm not great in the mornings, and my brother comes over, wakes me up and starts accusing me of murder. What the fuck? That's enough to get anyone fairly pissed. On top of that, I couldn't stop thinking about all the other douchey things my older brother has done to me over the years, and that was making me even angrier. My brother, well he's actually a half brother, is forty years older than me, so he believes he is entitled to all of dad's money. I disagree, hence our differences. This has lead to my brother doing some really not cool stuff, like conjuring a centaur at my thirteenth birthday party, and letting a hell hound loose in my high school, that kind of stuff. He's a real douche.
So me and my brother have never really gotten along, and now he comes to my home, in my town and accuses me of murder. I kind of lost it.
"Listen you old fart! You have been trying to kill me since I was ten! You have just been waiting for something like this to happen, and now that it has you have maneuvered your way into position to be the one who carries out the sentence! Well there is only one problem! I DIDN'T DO IT! So you take your predisposed ass back to wherever the fuck you White Council assholes go, and send back someone who isn't trying to kill me off hand!"
The second wizard spoke for the first time. "No one will be killing anyone while I am here." I took a look at the second wizard for a minute. He looked old, even by wizarding standards, he was average height, about five ten, but he stood a bit stooped so in his prime he might have been fairly tall. His white hair, or what was left of it, ringed his head like a laurel, but despite all of this, he carried himself with a regal air.
When he spoke it was with a vaguely British accent, like someone who was born in England but moved to the States when he was still young. "I am High Councilor Cornwallis. Pleased to make your acquaintance, Mr. Burns."
"Cornwallis? As in Charles Cornwallis?" I asked, incredulous.
"Well yes, but you are probably thinking of my father. Also Charles Cornwallis, the general during the American Revolution."
"Well, shit." I did some quick mental math, which I am no good at and figured that that meant that old Chuck here was at least two hundred and fifty years old. That means that he is old enough to be a member of the High Council, the group of seven of the oldest members of the White Council who do most of the actual decision making for the Council. Then I remembered that he introduced himself as a High Councilor and felt less proud of myself for figuring out the mental math. "Well then Chuck, I'm glad you're here, maybe you can keep my jerk-off brother under control."
Cornwallis winced when I called him Chuck, and I wondered if I had completely lost my mind for instigating a member of the High Council like that. I probably have at some point, because I do dumb shit like that on a regular basis. Being the oldest wizards on the Council generally meant that they were the strongest wizards as well. I had no doubt that if it came to a fight, old Chuck could wipe the floor with me, but I still mouthed off to him. I think its a security thing, or maybe I just like to make other people feel as stupid as I know I am.
He spoke through clenched teeth, making a visible effort to control his anger. "As the elder Mr. Burns pointed out, we are here to investigate the death of the vampire Elaine Mclintock. We came here not to accuse you but to request your assistance." At that he gave my brother a glare.
Janus let out a sigh that made it clear that he was contemplating dying rather than say what he was about to say. "You know the area better than anyone on the Council," he said dejectedly. Then he muttered, barely audible, like the words were going to hurt him, "We need your help."
She sat down in the chair next to me and whispered, "Did you hear?"
I tried my hardest not to be distracted by her boobs, I really did, but I think I failed. "What? Oh, About Elaine? Yeah, Sam told us when we got here."
She rolled her eyes at me. I wasn't exactly shy about staring at her boobs. "Hey. Come on. Focus," she said, snapping her fingers in an attempt to draw my attention away from her chest. "No, I was talking about the White Councilors coming into town. What happened to Elaine?"
I finally tore my eyes away from her cleavage and looked her square in the eye. "She's dead."
She took it in stride, "Well then that explains why the Council is coming. Who could have done-" She stopped mid-sentence and gave me an speculative glance.
"It wasn't me!" I said, a bit too loud for the somber mood in the bar. A few heads turned in our direction. I glowered at them until they all returned to their beers.
"Alright, alright, I believe you, keep it down. It would take something seriously powerful to kill Elaine though, so if it wasn't you we have another problem on our hands."
"Damnit, I hadn't even thought of that yet." I sighed. This shit just kept getting worse. Even though I didn't do the deed, Elaine's killer would have to be someone really powerful, and if the White Council is coming to investigate that could lead to a serious confrontation in my town.
The White Council is the governing body of wizards. They are led by The Merlin, the oldest and most powerful wizard alive, and consist of only the most powerful wizards in the world. They have tried to recruit me a bunch of different times, but I don't do well with conforming to a group. Shocking, huh? So I turned them down. The Council's biggest enemies are the various vampire courts around the world. The two sides are in the middle of a barely stable period of peace, and the murder of Elaine might be enough to send the two sides into full out war. Unless of course the culprit can be found, confronted and punished. The only problem with that is that the culprit right now would be me.
Boots ordered a drink and said, still whispering, "They will be here tomorrow morning, and they will definitely want to talk to you."
"Maybe they won't. Maybe they've completely forgotten that I exist."
"Not likely. From what I've heard, one of the Councilors coming is Janus."
I choked on my beer. "Janus? You're sure?"
"No, but it seems legit. I heard it from Mo."
Mo is my, well i guess "pet" would be the correct word here, but it doesn't seem right. He is a talking albatross who for some reason has taken a shining to me. He is the child of a real albatross and a faery lord. He's bigger than a real albatross would be, which means he is freaking huge, big enough to give me a ride if i need it. Since his faery father is fairly high up in the faery food chain (best alliteration ever), he has excellent information resources available to him, not to mention being pretty powerful as well. All in all, he is a really good friend to have around when shit is going down.
So if Mo says that Janus is coming, it is most likely true. Janus is my older brother. We do not get along at all. He has never really forgiven me for a few things, one of them is that I never joined the White Council. He's not only a member of the council, but also a warden. The wardens are the military/police group of the White Council. They enforce the laws that The Council adheres to. The Council only has seven laws that they abide by, but they will kill any wizard who doesn't follow them, whether or not they are members. The laws are basic. Rule 1 is no using magic to kill humans, wizards or not, unless in self defense or a sanctioned duel. The others are along the same lines - no raising the dead, no using mind control, that sort of thing.
"Well damnit," I said, too loud again. More heads turned and someone even gave me a "Shhhhh."
I jumped out of my chair and yelled, "Fuck you, dude!"
I'm a people person.
The next morning, I woke up to someone pounding on the door to my apartment. I cannot for the life of me remember how I got home, but that's beside the point. I wiped the sleep out of my eyes, shuffled to the door and peered out the peep hole (funniest name for anything ever). On the landing outside my apartment stood two older men in long grey robes. One of them was my brother.
Now at this point I made a major mistake. I opened the door. I should have just let them stand outside, pretended I wasn't home then all of the events of the next few days would have gone on with out me, and I would have been all the happier for it. But no, I opened the damn door because I am an idiot, and I apparently enjoy making myself suffer.
My brother stepped in along with another wizard who I didn't know. My brother Janus is shorter than me, but not by much, which puts him at just over six feet tall, and he is much more muscly than me. He looks like he works out a lot - I just look like I can't afford to feed myself enough. I have long, untidy black hair and while I wouldn't win any beauty contests, I'm not entirely unattractive. I hope. He has greying hair, and keeps a short but thick beard. His features are more harsh and angular than mine, his nose sticks out further and his chin is bigger but we have the same dark brown eyes. His speaking voice is much higher than you would expect and he has a slight lisp, making him appear very effeminate, something that I make fun of him for mercilessly.
"Good morning little brother, hope we didn't wake you," he said, with a malicious smile.
"It's six thirty, Janus. You couldn't wait till a more humane time before you came over?"
"Of course not. Things to do." He gave me a pointed look. "Murders to investigate."
"I didn't do it," I said tiredly.
"Well we will see, won't we?"
"Yeah, we will, cause I DIDN'T DO IT!" I was getting pretty pissed. I'm not great in the mornings, and my brother comes over, wakes me up and starts accusing me of murder. What the fuck? That's enough to get anyone fairly pissed. On top of that, I couldn't stop thinking about all the other douchey things my older brother has done to me over the years, and that was making me even angrier. My brother, well he's actually a half brother, is forty years older than me, so he believes he is entitled to all of dad's money. I disagree, hence our differences. This has lead to my brother doing some really not cool stuff, like conjuring a centaur at my thirteenth birthday party, and letting a hell hound loose in my high school, that kind of stuff. He's a real douche.
So me and my brother have never really gotten along, and now he comes to my home, in my town and accuses me of murder. I kind of lost it.
"Listen you old fart! You have been trying to kill me since I was ten! You have just been waiting for something like this to happen, and now that it has you have maneuvered your way into position to be the one who carries out the sentence! Well there is only one problem! I DIDN'T DO IT! So you take your predisposed ass back to wherever the fuck you White Council assholes go, and send back someone who isn't trying to kill me off hand!"
The second wizard spoke for the first time. "No one will be killing anyone while I am here." I took a look at the second wizard for a minute. He looked old, even by wizarding standards, he was average height, about five ten, but he stood a bit stooped so in his prime he might have been fairly tall. His white hair, or what was left of it, ringed his head like a laurel, but despite all of this, he carried himself with a regal air.
When he spoke it was with a vaguely British accent, like someone who was born in England but moved to the States when he was still young. "I am High Councilor Cornwallis. Pleased to make your acquaintance, Mr. Burns."
"Cornwallis? As in Charles Cornwallis?" I asked, incredulous.
"Well yes, but you are probably thinking of my father. Also Charles Cornwallis, the general during the American Revolution."
"Well, shit." I did some quick mental math, which I am no good at and figured that that meant that old Chuck here was at least two hundred and fifty years old. That means that he is old enough to be a member of the High Council, the group of seven of the oldest members of the White Council who do most of the actual decision making for the Council. Then I remembered that he introduced himself as a High Councilor and felt less proud of myself for figuring out the mental math. "Well then Chuck, I'm glad you're here, maybe you can keep my jerk-off brother under control."
Cornwallis winced when I called him Chuck, and I wondered if I had completely lost my mind for instigating a member of the High Council like that. I probably have at some point, because I do dumb shit like that on a regular basis. Being the oldest wizards on the Council generally meant that they were the strongest wizards as well. I had no doubt that if it came to a fight, old Chuck could wipe the floor with me, but I still mouthed off to him. I think its a security thing, or maybe I just like to make other people feel as stupid as I know I am.
He spoke through clenched teeth, making a visible effort to control his anger. "As the elder Mr. Burns pointed out, we are here to investigate the death of the vampire Elaine Mclintock. We came here not to accuse you but to request your assistance." At that he gave my brother a glare.
Janus let out a sigh that made it clear that he was contemplating dying rather than say what he was about to say. "You know the area better than anyone on the Council," he said dejectedly. Then he muttered, barely audible, like the words were going to hurt him, "We need your help."
Chapter 4
I traveled to the scene of the crime in a rented sub compact with two of the most unhappy human beings in the world. It was miserable.
"Sooooo, hows the wizarding biz?" I asked just to break the tension. I was met with a wall of silence. Apparently Chuck was not a huge fan of Janus, and neither of them were a huge fan of me. So we rode the rest of the way to Durham in awkward, hateful silence.
Durham sucks. I hate that place, and going to a crime scene there, in that car, with those people was almost enough to make me want to reach into the front seat and boink Chuck's and Janus' heads together like a Three Stooges gag and then run away. But that would be unwise. I know Chuck is more powerful than me, and I know I am fairly evenly matched with Janus, so I sat on my hands until we arrived at the crime scene, which was an apartment on the bottom floor of a complex right next to Duke's campus. As we walked down the path to the door Janus finally broke the silence.
"Vampire Mclintock had been using her cover as a student to recruit young men into becoming vampires. She would lure them back to her place and give them the option of having sex and becoming a vampire or leaving."
"I know. She tried to get me once." They both looked at me. "Well I mean I turned her down, obviously. I'm not a vampire, am I?"
"So let me get this straight," Janus said to Chuck. "He had motivation. He was the only one in the area with enough power to do the job, and we aren't even considering him as a suspect?"
"Oh, he is a suspect," Chucky replied in his cultured accent, "But the Council does not like to jump to conclusions, no matter how high the evidence is stacked against someone." He gave me a wolfish smile and continued, "But he is most certainly a prime suspect."
I was just about to say something snippy and stupid in response when a bird as big as a Volkswagen swooped in for a landing in the path ahead of us. "MO!" I said when he touched down.
Mo looked at me with purple eyes, ruffled his ten foot long grey wings in turn and said, "Jesus Bob, you look like death."
"You know, Mo, you are the second person to tell me that in as many days." He laughed. He has a surprisingly deep voice, and when he laughs its like what you imagine Santa would sound like. You can't help but smile. "How you been? It's been a few days since I've seen you," I said.
"Oh, I've been good. You know, just chasing the doves so to speak."
"Those would have to be some really big doves, man."
He laughed some more. "Yeah, I like'em with a little meat on their bones, more cushion for the pushin'."
I laughed. Janus and old Chucky boy had been watching this exchange with open mouths and wide eyes. I turned to them and asked. "What?"
Janus asked, "Do you know who that is?" While Charles In Charge just gave me a speculative glance and said nothing.
"Yeah, that's my friend Mo. He's a talking albatross. Why?"
Before they could respond however, Mo stepped up and said, "Gentlemen, it would be best if you were to get in and out before someone sees you and calls the cops."
"Agreed. Lets get this done." Charlie Brown said and he started moving towards the door of the apartment. Janus and I followed. As we passed Mo I shot him a questioning glance, and he responded with a shrug. Just so you know, shrugs on a bird with a twenty foot wingspan are hilarious looking, so I entered the apartment of a dead vampire smiling.
My smile vanished quickly. The place was covered in blood a few shades too pale for normal human blood. It covered the floor in a big pool, and there was a huge spray of it on the back wall. The body was gone, but it looked like it had been dragged out the door. The police or paramedics would never move a body like that, so that meant that whoever had killed Elaine had taken her body with them when they left.
The apartment was nice for your average college student. Well, you know, it would have been without all the blood. It was in a prime location on Duke's central campus, and was a pretty spacious one bedroom place with a large living/ dining area complete with nice carpeting and a moderately sized kitchen. It had floor to ceiling windows on the front that would have provided nice views of the courtyard we had walked through, but the industrial blinds had been pulled close leaving the room in shadows.
Charlie said, "Alright, lets see what we can find out. I'll start by trying to find the body." With that he drew a circle on the floor. Circles are really powerful magical tools. Wizards use them to help block out external magical influences so they can create delicate bonds between objects. The Chuckster was trying to make a connection between the blood on the floor and what little blood was left inside the body. He could then transfer that connection to something else, like a compass or even just a rock on a string and follow it to the body.
Sure enough, Chuck-o-rama pulled an old worn compass out of a pocket on the inside of his robes and broke the circle, releasing the magical energies used in the connection. He stared at the compass for a minute then made a satisfied grunting sound.
He moved to the door and said "I've got a lead, lets g-" He never got to finish that sentence because the door exploded inward and landed on top of him. A giant hairy beast stepped into the now very open doorway. I recognized it.
"Shit! That's Sasquatch!" I said, cleverly.
"Sooooo, hows the wizarding biz?" I asked just to break the tension. I was met with a wall of silence. Apparently Chuck was not a huge fan of Janus, and neither of them were a huge fan of me. So we rode the rest of the way to Durham in awkward, hateful silence.
Durham sucks. I hate that place, and going to a crime scene there, in that car, with those people was almost enough to make me want to reach into the front seat and boink Chuck's and Janus' heads together like a Three Stooges gag and then run away. But that would be unwise. I know Chuck is more powerful than me, and I know I am fairly evenly matched with Janus, so I sat on my hands until we arrived at the crime scene, which was an apartment on the bottom floor of a complex right next to Duke's campus. As we walked down the path to the door Janus finally broke the silence.
"Vampire Mclintock had been using her cover as a student to recruit young men into becoming vampires. She would lure them back to her place and give them the option of having sex and becoming a vampire or leaving."
"I know. She tried to get me once." They both looked at me. "Well I mean I turned her down, obviously. I'm not a vampire, am I?"
"So let me get this straight," Janus said to Chuck. "He had motivation. He was the only one in the area with enough power to do the job, and we aren't even considering him as a suspect?"
"Oh, he is a suspect," Chucky replied in his cultured accent, "But the Council does not like to jump to conclusions, no matter how high the evidence is stacked against someone." He gave me a wolfish smile and continued, "But he is most certainly a prime suspect."
I was just about to say something snippy and stupid in response when a bird as big as a Volkswagen swooped in for a landing in the path ahead of us. "MO!" I said when he touched down.
Mo looked at me with purple eyes, ruffled his ten foot long grey wings in turn and said, "Jesus Bob, you look like death."
"You know, Mo, you are the second person to tell me that in as many days." He laughed. He has a surprisingly deep voice, and when he laughs its like what you imagine Santa would sound like. You can't help but smile. "How you been? It's been a few days since I've seen you," I said.
"Oh, I've been good. You know, just chasing the doves so to speak."
"Those would have to be some really big doves, man."
He laughed some more. "Yeah, I like'em with a little meat on their bones, more cushion for the pushin'."
I laughed. Janus and old Chucky boy had been watching this exchange with open mouths and wide eyes. I turned to them and asked. "What?"
Janus asked, "Do you know who that is?" While Charles In Charge just gave me a speculative glance and said nothing.
"Yeah, that's my friend Mo. He's a talking albatross. Why?"
Before they could respond however, Mo stepped up and said, "Gentlemen, it would be best if you were to get in and out before someone sees you and calls the cops."
"Agreed. Lets get this done." Charlie Brown said and he started moving towards the door of the apartment. Janus and I followed. As we passed Mo I shot him a questioning glance, and he responded with a shrug. Just so you know, shrugs on a bird with a twenty foot wingspan are hilarious looking, so I entered the apartment of a dead vampire smiling.
My smile vanished quickly. The place was covered in blood a few shades too pale for normal human blood. It covered the floor in a big pool, and there was a huge spray of it on the back wall. The body was gone, but it looked like it had been dragged out the door. The police or paramedics would never move a body like that, so that meant that whoever had killed Elaine had taken her body with them when they left.
The apartment was nice for your average college student. Well, you know, it would have been without all the blood. It was in a prime location on Duke's central campus, and was a pretty spacious one bedroom place with a large living/ dining area complete with nice carpeting and a moderately sized kitchen. It had floor to ceiling windows on the front that would have provided nice views of the courtyard we had walked through, but the industrial blinds had been pulled close leaving the room in shadows.
Charlie said, "Alright, lets see what we can find out. I'll start by trying to find the body." With that he drew a circle on the floor. Circles are really powerful magical tools. Wizards use them to help block out external magical influences so they can create delicate bonds between objects. The Chuckster was trying to make a connection between the blood on the floor and what little blood was left inside the body. He could then transfer that connection to something else, like a compass or even just a rock on a string and follow it to the body.
Sure enough, Chuck-o-rama pulled an old worn compass out of a pocket on the inside of his robes and broke the circle, releasing the magical energies used in the connection. He stared at the compass for a minute then made a satisfied grunting sound.
He moved to the door and said "I've got a lead, lets g-" He never got to finish that sentence because the door exploded inward and landed on top of him. A giant hairy beast stepped into the now very open doorway. I recognized it.
"Shit! That's Sasquatch!" I said, cleverly.
Chapter 5
The Sasquatch was massive. It had to duck its head and turn sideways to fit through the door. It was about eight feet tall and built like a linebacker, a really hairy, fucking huge linebacker. Its face was shaped like a gorilla's and it had two long teeth sticking upward out of its mouth - too long to fit inside its gums.
It came through the door and bellowed, a noise something like a mix between a bear's and a lion's roar. A noise that scared the shit out of me. Its eyes focused on me and it charged across the apartment using its absurdly long arms as much as its legs. It covered the twenty feet between us in the blink of an eye. I barely had enough time to roll to the left, into the middle of the room and out of the way of the charge. My roll wasn't quite quick enough, the squatch's arm clipped my hip, and one of his razor sharp claws neatly sliced three quarters of the way through my belt.
The squatch didn't even try to slow its charge, it just plowed through the wall on the other side of the apartment. I struggled to my feet and took a look at Janus. He hadn't moved. At all. "Do something, Janus!" I screamed at him. He just stood there staring at the hole in the wall where the Sasquatch had just gone. He mumbled something I couldn't here, glanced at me nervously, and ran away out the busted front door. What a fantastic brother.
"Dude!" I yelled at him. I ran to the door to chase after him, and ran straight into the Sasquatch. He must have circled all the way around the building, because he was now standing in the doorway that he had previously ripped off its hinges. I bounced off of him and fell on my ass. This must have been greatly amusing because the Squatch started shaking and letting out a gravelly laugh.
"Silly pretender to power, you amuse me." He said. His voice was low, loud, threatening and mangled by his overly large teeth.
I have been in better situations. Generally, I try to avoid finding myself laying on my back with five hundred pounds of monster standing over me, laughing at me, but today just did not look like it would be my day. I desperately searched around the room for something I could use against the Sasquatch.
There was a tall reading lamp just out of arms reach along the wall. I started scooting backwards towards it. Squatch saw me moving to it and took a swipe at my head. I had to roll away from the lamp to keep me and my body attached to each other.
Then I remembered something. I am a fucking wizard. I raised my arm, with my finger pointed like a gun right at the center of the Squatch's chest and snarled, "Suck it furball, RELAMPAGO!" Lightning jumped from the barrel of my awesome finger gun and struck Sasquatch in the chest.
He shook in place for a second, like you see people do when they get tasered, then simply shook it off.
Shit.
That lightning thing carried nearly a thousand volts of electricity, it should have killed the thing, but the Squatch had just shook it off like a minor nuisance. He let out one of those laughs again, and looked back down at me.
Shit. I looked around again for more options, and found nothing.
Shit. I looked between the Squatch's tree trunk legs and through the busted doorway to outside and could see Mo out there. He was just getting up. He had been standing watch duty while we were investigating, so Furball must have snuck up on him and taken him out before he could raise an alarm. Wait, I was looking through the squatch's legs. I had an idea.
"I'm sorry." I said, then I winced apologetically, reared back my leg, and kicked him in the nuts. I'm not proud of what I did. I don't care if the thing was trying to kill me, I am a man, we feel sympathy for all those who receive nut shots. He clasped his hands over his wedding tackle, let out a pathetic sounding whimper and fell over backwards. I pulled out a piece of chalk that I always keep in my pocket and drew a circle around the incapacitated Sasquatch, closed the circle with a small effort of will and the Sasquatch dissolved into ectoplasm which dried within seconds.
The Sasquatch is actually a being of the Neverland, which is why no one can ever find one. He can only be called forth by a wizard. When he is brought into this world he makes a body like the one that I just made infertile out of ectoplasm. By drawing a circle around this ectoplasm shell I isolated the Squatch from his source of power, making his body turn back into ectoplasm. Sort of like those inflatable bounce rooms they have at carnivals and stuff for kids, once you unplug the air pump the whole thing just sort of deflates. By drawing the circle I didn't unplug the pump so much as cut the air hose, but it had a similar effect.
Once the Squatch was taken care of I checked on Mo. He was fine, just a bit shaken up. Apparently the Squatch just clubbed him over the back of his head and moved on, no lasting damage done.
"It's a good thing you don't have anything up there to get damaged, Mo, then you would have been in real trouble," I said.
"Sure, attack a man while he's down. Real gentlemanly of you," Mo retorted.
I laughed. "Luckily, you're a bird, and not a man, so manners don't apply."
He laughed his Santa Claus laugh again. When it died down he asked, "What are you going to do with Councilor Cornwallis?"
"Leave him. I checked him, he's fine, just knocked out. He'll wake up in a few minutes and be pissed. Then he will head back to the Council and come back with more back up, which it looks like they are going to need anyway if Sasquatch showing up is any indication."
"And what will you do?"
"Stay the hell away from all of this shit." But I had a feeling that would not be possible this time. I sighed, helped Mo up and called Boots for a ride.
Chapter 6
Boots picked us up twenty minutes later from a few blocks away. Mo and I decided to not be near the scene of the wall smashing when the police arrived. We thought not having to explain a talking giant albatross and a hole in a wall at a closed crime scene would be better than having to. Mo could have flown both of us away, but he had just been hit on the head, and I didn't want him to strain himself too much. So when Boots came he said bye, took off and I got in the car.
When we passed the now destroyed building Boots took a look at the wreckage and said, dryly, "I'm going to assume that was you."
"Why? Why is it that every time a fire starts or a building gets demolished you blame me?"
"Because it's always your fault."
"Touche, but this time I wasn't the person who put the hole in the wall."
I told her what happened. When I was done she said, "What a douche."
"Who? Me, the Squatch or Janus?"
She contemplated for a second and said, "Um, all of the above. You're a douche for leaving Cornwallis there."
"He made it out before the cops came. I made sure of it, plus, that jackass had it coming."
She continued like I hadn't said anything. "The Sasquatch is always a douche, so I can't really blame him for what happened. And Janus is the biggest douche of all for bitching out like that."
"Well I can't disagree with you there." We sat in silence for a minute, then I said, "Why does everyone think I did it?" "Even your stupid ass can work this one out. You're the only really logical suspect. You're the most powerful wizard in the area. She tried to convert you, so you had motivation, and Elaine wasn't all that high up in the ranks of vampires, so she doesn't make a sensible target for any of the White Council wizards. All of that means that you are the only logical choice."
She was right. I was the only real suspect in the whole thing, and even though Janus and Cornwallis said they were there to enlist my help earlier, I was about nine berjillion percent sure that they just wanted to keep an eye on me while making their investigation. I mean, I wouldn't add much to the team, I'm not good at that kind of delicate magic; I make shit go boom. I'm good at that - building spells and stuff - thats for more patient wizards, wizards who can concentrate on stuff. Not me. I have like wizarding A.D.D. or something.
"So all of this circumstantial evidence points at me," I said. "And all of the physical evidence which would have exonerated me was most likely destroyed when the furball of doom come knocking. What does this mean for me?"
"In a nut shell," she paused for dramatic effect, and gave me a simply malevolent smile, "you are fucked."
"You don't have to look so pleased about it."
"Of course I do, this is the first time we've spent a significant amount of time together in which you haven't stared at my boobs or tried to ask me out. I am all for you being in mortal peril."
She was right again. About the me being fucked thing, not about me staring at her boobs, I had been staring at them, but I was doing it sneakily this time. I'm normally a horny bastard, but apparently my life being on the line makes me a horny sneaky bastard. I was fucked though, there was no two bones about it. If wizard Cornwallis came back and decided that all the evidence pointed to me, the Council would promptly behead me and send my newly detached head to the vampire court as a form of payment for Elaine's death, which didn't seem like a good outcome. I have never been beheaded before, but I've heard it can kind of ruin your day. Alternately, if the council doesn't come back soon enough, whoever is sending the Sasquatch after me will conjure him again, and then I'll end up just as dead. I got lucky the first time we met, I don't think he would waste time laughing with his legs spread apart the next time he has an opportunity to kill me.
"Stop moping," Boots said after a few minutes of me contemplating which death I would prefer.
"I'm not moping, I'm brooding. Wizards don't mope, we brood. It sounds more bad ass."
"Yeah? Well your brooding is depressing me, so stop it, and do something to fix the situation."
"Like what?" I couldn't think of any possible good outcomes of this situation. my imagination was ready to provide gruesome mental images of my decapitation, or evisceration, but good mental images were much more difficult.
"You could find the real killer, dumb ass."
Oh. Yeah. "I would rather lay low though, try to ride this one out."
"You're just being lazy, get your shit together, and lets find out who did this."
"Fuck you. (please) Fine, but at least let me take a nap before we do anything, I'm exhausted."
"Baby," she said derisively.
"Bitch," I said even more derisively. She laughed. It made her boobs jiggle. I smiled.
We went up to my apartment where Kenyan was playing video games. He did a double take when he saw me. "Bob you look..."
"Like death?" I interrupted. "I know, multiple people have told me."
"Actually i was going to say 'you look like you got in a fight with a mountain lion.' What the hell happened?"
I looked down and examined myself. My shirt and jeans were in tatters. I had claw marks that went from my belly button to my right hip, tearing my shirt, jeans and ripping halfway through my belt from where the Squatch clipped me on his way to aerating Elaine's apartment. His razor sharp claws had also nicked my skin, drawing a tiny well of blood that was staining my clothes. It hadn't hurt until I looked at it, but now that I had the pain became an annoying sting every time I moved, like a paper cut.
"Sasquatch, actually. Where is the first aid kit? I need to clean this out."
"In the cabinet by the fridge, but seriously Bob, what the hell happened to you, dude?"
"Seriously dude, Sasquatch."
"Fine don't tell me, I'll get Boots to tell me. Boots what happened to Bob?"
She looked at him with an extremely serious face and said, separating each word for emphasis, "Really. Rough. Sex."
When we passed the now destroyed building Boots took a look at the wreckage and said, dryly, "I'm going to assume that was you."
"Why? Why is it that every time a fire starts or a building gets demolished you blame me?"
"Because it's always your fault."
"Touche, but this time I wasn't the person who put the hole in the wall."
I told her what happened. When I was done she said, "What a douche."
"Who? Me, the Squatch or Janus?"
She contemplated for a second and said, "Um, all of the above. You're a douche for leaving Cornwallis there."
"He made it out before the cops came. I made sure of it, plus, that jackass had it coming."
She continued like I hadn't said anything. "The Sasquatch is always a douche, so I can't really blame him for what happened. And Janus is the biggest douche of all for bitching out like that."
"Well I can't disagree with you there." We sat in silence for a minute, then I said, "Why does everyone think I did it?" "Even your stupid ass can work this one out. You're the only really logical suspect. You're the most powerful wizard in the area. She tried to convert you, so you had motivation, and Elaine wasn't all that high up in the ranks of vampires, so she doesn't make a sensible target for any of the White Council wizards. All of that means that you are the only logical choice."
She was right. I was the only real suspect in the whole thing, and even though Janus and Cornwallis said they were there to enlist my help earlier, I was about nine berjillion percent sure that they just wanted to keep an eye on me while making their investigation. I mean, I wouldn't add much to the team, I'm not good at that kind of delicate magic; I make shit go boom. I'm good at that - building spells and stuff - thats for more patient wizards, wizards who can concentrate on stuff. Not me. I have like wizarding A.D.D. or something.
"So all of this circumstantial evidence points at me," I said. "And all of the physical evidence which would have exonerated me was most likely destroyed when the furball of doom come knocking. What does this mean for me?"
"In a nut shell," she paused for dramatic effect, and gave me a simply malevolent smile, "you are fucked."
"You don't have to look so pleased about it."
"Of course I do, this is the first time we've spent a significant amount of time together in which you haven't stared at my boobs or tried to ask me out. I am all for you being in mortal peril."
She was right again. About the me being fucked thing, not about me staring at her boobs, I had been staring at them, but I was doing it sneakily this time. I'm normally a horny bastard, but apparently my life being on the line makes me a horny sneaky bastard. I was fucked though, there was no two bones about it. If wizard Cornwallis came back and decided that all the evidence pointed to me, the Council would promptly behead me and send my newly detached head to the vampire court as a form of payment for Elaine's death, which didn't seem like a good outcome. I have never been beheaded before, but I've heard it can kind of ruin your day. Alternately, if the council doesn't come back soon enough, whoever is sending the Sasquatch after me will conjure him again, and then I'll end up just as dead. I got lucky the first time we met, I don't think he would waste time laughing with his legs spread apart the next time he has an opportunity to kill me.
"Stop moping," Boots said after a few minutes of me contemplating which death I would prefer.
"I'm not moping, I'm brooding. Wizards don't mope, we brood. It sounds more bad ass."
"Yeah? Well your brooding is depressing me, so stop it, and do something to fix the situation."
"Like what?" I couldn't think of any possible good outcomes of this situation. my imagination was ready to provide gruesome mental images of my decapitation, or evisceration, but good mental images were much more difficult.
"You could find the real killer, dumb ass."
Oh. Yeah. "I would rather lay low though, try to ride this one out."
"You're just being lazy, get your shit together, and lets find out who did this."
"Fuck you. (please) Fine, but at least let me take a nap before we do anything, I'm exhausted."
"Baby," she said derisively.
"Bitch," I said even more derisively. She laughed. It made her boobs jiggle. I smiled.
We went up to my apartment where Kenyan was playing video games. He did a double take when he saw me. "Bob you look..."
"Like death?" I interrupted. "I know, multiple people have told me."
"Actually i was going to say 'you look like you got in a fight with a mountain lion.' What the hell happened?"
I looked down and examined myself. My shirt and jeans were in tatters. I had claw marks that went from my belly button to my right hip, tearing my shirt, jeans and ripping halfway through my belt from where the Squatch clipped me on his way to aerating Elaine's apartment. His razor sharp claws had also nicked my skin, drawing a tiny well of blood that was staining my clothes. It hadn't hurt until I looked at it, but now that I had the pain became an annoying sting every time I moved, like a paper cut.
"Sasquatch, actually. Where is the first aid kit? I need to clean this out."
"In the cabinet by the fridge, but seriously Bob, what the hell happened to you, dude?"
"Seriously dude, Sasquatch."
"Fine don't tell me, I'll get Boots to tell me. Boots what happened to Bob?"
She looked at him with an extremely serious face and said, separating each word for emphasis, "Really. Rough. Sex."
Chapter 7
I cleaned up my cuts, changed shirts and came back out into the living room just as the phone rang. I answered and was rewarded by hearing my brother's astonishingly feminine voice say, "Hello, Bob."
I hung up. Kenyan and Boots gave me some weird looks, I didn't explain. The phone rang again. I picked it up and all Janus got out was "Bob, I'm jus-" before I said, "Fuck you, jackass" and hung up again. Kenyan was now openly staring at me, like he couldn't believe that I would be that much of a twat. "My brother," I explained with a smile. He nodded his head like that made everything make sense, even though he still clearly didn't understand. Kenyan has never met my brother. He doesn't quite get the amount of abject animosity I hurl in my brother's direction.
The phone rang again. I didn't pick up. After the fourth ring my old school answering machine clicked on and went through the recorded message, which was Kenyan'ss voice saying, "Hi, you've reached Bob and Mike, we aren't here right now but please leave your name and number and we'll get back to you," then my voice yelling in the background "If you're lucky!" After the beep Janus' voice came over the speaker and said, "Bob, I was calling to apologize..." he kept talking but I was too dumbfounded to listen to what he was saying. Janus had never apologized. For anything. Ever. It wasn't in his nature, and if he was apologizing to me, of all people, then something was clearly wrong. Like very, very wrong. I snapped back to my senses in time to hear Janus say, "Just be careful, alright? There is some serious shit going on right now. Stay home tonight. Bye, little brother."
What the fuck was going on? What could have my brother, who has never cared an iota about me, so scared for my life that he was willing to apologize to me, and ask me to stay indoors. I was starting to get pretty scared. Before, I was just miffed that all this shit was happening in my town, and that the Sasquatch had been directed at me, but now, I was legitimately scared.
Boots and Kenyan were just staring at me with two very different looks on their faces. Boots knew Janus well enough to understand that how he was acting was very scary, and it was the first time I had ever seen an emotion anything like fear on her face. Kenyan on the other hand was just looking bewildered.
"I thought you said your brother was a douche," he asked still looking confused.
"He is."
"He didn't seem that bad. I mean it sounded like he was trying to protect you."
"Exactly."
"Umm... What?"
"If my brother, who actively hates me is trying to protect me from something it means either something so big and bad and nasty and fucking scary is after me that he is afraid it might try to kill the entire family..." I said.
"Or that the big nasty thing already captured Janus and is using him to keep Bob in one place so he is easier to take out," Boots finished.
Kenyan looked at us like we were nuts. "You guys really believe something is after you, don't you?"
"Yes, and no matter which of the two is happening we need to get the hell out of here before shit starts exploding."
Then, almost as if on cue a hand grenade smashed through the window, rolled through the open bathroom door, and shit started exploding. albeit a bit more literally than I would have expected.
I hung up. Kenyan and Boots gave me some weird looks, I didn't explain. The phone rang again. I picked it up and all Janus got out was "Bob, I'm jus-" before I said, "Fuck you, jackass" and hung up again. Kenyan was now openly staring at me, like he couldn't believe that I would be that much of a twat. "My brother," I explained with a smile. He nodded his head like that made everything make sense, even though he still clearly didn't understand. Kenyan has never met my brother. He doesn't quite get the amount of abject animosity I hurl in my brother's direction.
The phone rang again. I didn't pick up. After the fourth ring my old school answering machine clicked on and went through the recorded message, which was Kenyan'ss voice saying, "Hi, you've reached Bob and Mike, we aren't here right now but please leave your name and number and we'll get back to you," then my voice yelling in the background "If you're lucky!" After the beep Janus' voice came over the speaker and said, "Bob, I was calling to apologize..." he kept talking but I was too dumbfounded to listen to what he was saying. Janus had never apologized. For anything. Ever. It wasn't in his nature, and if he was apologizing to me, of all people, then something was clearly wrong. Like very, very wrong. I snapped back to my senses in time to hear Janus say, "Just be careful, alright? There is some serious shit going on right now. Stay home tonight. Bye, little brother."
What the fuck was going on? What could have my brother, who has never cared an iota about me, so scared for my life that he was willing to apologize to me, and ask me to stay indoors. I was starting to get pretty scared. Before, I was just miffed that all this shit was happening in my town, and that the Sasquatch had been directed at me, but now, I was legitimately scared.
Boots and Kenyan were just staring at me with two very different looks on their faces. Boots knew Janus well enough to understand that how he was acting was very scary, and it was the first time I had ever seen an emotion anything like fear on her face. Kenyan on the other hand was just looking bewildered.
"I thought you said your brother was a douche," he asked still looking confused.
"He is."
"He didn't seem that bad. I mean it sounded like he was trying to protect you."
"Exactly."
"Umm... What?"
"If my brother, who actively hates me is trying to protect me from something it means either something so big and bad and nasty and fucking scary is after me that he is afraid it might try to kill the entire family..." I said.
"Or that the big nasty thing already captured Janus and is using him to keep Bob in one place so he is easier to take out," Boots finished.
Kenyan looked at us like we were nuts. "You guys really believe something is after you, don't you?"
"Yes, and no matter which of the two is happening we need to get the hell out of here before shit starts exploding."
Then, almost as if on cue a hand grenade smashed through the window, rolled through the open bathroom door, and shit started exploding. albeit a bit more literally than I would have expected.
